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06/29/2004:

oow . Heaven's stand on Piracy


Before I'll scribble some things for today, allow me to place this entry first. Instead of including this in one blog entry, I decided to separate this part and just refer (or 'call' if you prefer) to this part on the next scribble... and other scribbles/blogs that will follow in the days to come. You can view this as a sort of procedure that is being called. Or you can call it whatever terms OOP has invented.

Ah yes I forgot, there are some readers that are not much into programming. OOP stands for Object Oriented Programming... if you'd ask me, it is one of the best 'discoveries' since pancakes, binary numbers and lawsuits on jokes.

OK... enough of the introduction... let's tackle the 'real' thing.

You know... Heaven decided to upgrade things these days. It now calls itself Heaven version 2.000.0007 Build 10005 after being called with its codename, 'PROJECT VOLTAGE' for three months. Hell had been constantly upgrading/revising for decades already due to lawsuits and the influx of disgruntled and dis-unified lawyers who have been flooding their place but this is the first time heaven decided to upgrade. Some rumors even claim that the horn which the next WindowsOS bundles has been stolen from Heaven by one of the sentinels from Hell. I, with my limited resources, cannot confirm it though.

No please don't get me wrong... I'm not referring to Microsoft nor I am saying that they are evil. They're not even the sentinel who stole the horn in the first place. Besides the heist rumor still has to be verified and it is not the main purpose of this scribble.

And yes I don't believe that crap that totals the ASCII values of BillG's name. BillG gives donations to children... that's something most OSS-lovin'-anti-MS humans often overlook. And let's not talk about that Microsoft GIF logo with 666 bytes I found while HTTracking their site last week.

No. Let's not go into that. Let's talk about heavenly things. Let's talk about Heaven 2.000 and its new features.

First... it renamed the Pearly Gates into something they now call as the 'aPORTAL'. It should've been iPortal but Heaven doesn't want to face lawsuits from Apple. Besides up to this day Heaven believes that 'i' is the center of 'pride' which it considers one of the deadliest sin. 'ePortal' was also a candidate before Hell started claiming patents for the letter 'e' which it considers a derivative of the word 'evil'.

St. Peter still guards the aPORTAL... along with this holy hen that lays silvery-barcoded Easter eggs once a year. St. Peter is now considered the Senior Vice President of Security. In between accepting new souls who they call 'clients', St. Peter is reviewing codes that heaven-based developers create. He constantly and patiently looks for loopholes, possible exploits and bugs that might compromise security in the future. Like Microsoft, Security is also the 'new religion' in Heaven. When Security-related tools are released up there, it is St. Peter who tests things first using a number of hacking tools stored in his arsenal.

Once every part is considered good, he then posts the compiled .EXEs in a place called as Havanah where bored and torched Hell 'devilopers' can view and start testing, bombarding and exploiting it. They have to do this while AGHRARVEMNORN constantly whips them, slices them and torches them in loops every time an attempt to hack that newly released software fails. Up to this point the seven major released applications remain 'unhackable' and sliced 'devil-oper hackers' are constantly being transferred to a different job... cleaning toilets.

Hell now is planning to outsource the hacking-related tasks to Earth.

Either that... or they're conspiring with the NSA or some big-time software companies to create scenarios that will produce more starving-angst-filled-fire-breathing crackers disguised as security experts.

Ah wait... I'm going quite far from what the main purpose of this scribble is. You see Heaven is getting so interesting and big these days that discussing every feature in one scribble is not enough. So I'll concentrate on the feature that this blog is supposed to tackle... Miss P. Filter.

Yup... Miss P. Filter. I'm not sure what 'P' stands for but when i'll find out you have my assurance that I'll post it. Miss P. Filter is in-charge of the part/section before a 'client' reaches St. Peter and the Pearly Gates aka aPORTAL. She is also different from that Angel entity that filters out suicide bombers that plan to get near the aPORTAL. That's the job of Angel GARATCRAZHER which we will tackle in the next few days.

Miss P. Filter is located in between St. Peter and Angel GARATCRAZHER. She sits there comfortably in a swivel chair near an Intel-based hyperthreaded computer which is just a meter away from a small glittering pond decorated with white orchards and violet plums. It is a pond where mollusks, clown fishes and piranhas peacefully dwell. You can even let Darla swim in there and still the bliss and peace remains. Ah well Darla's braces are now made of aluminum and 'mod'-ed by one of the regular tweakers that resides at overclockers.com.au.

If you think Miss P. Filter is biased towards Intel-based machines, iThink again... on her right is a green jelly-lime iBook whose main purpose is to transfer music files into her iPod. I find it ironic though that the words 'Adam's Apple' are beautifully and electronically etched on the cover of that iBook.

Now what Miss P. Filter does is to let you press your left thumb in a scanner and do a breath check. With that, the Intel-based computer displays the number of times you have pirated something on this Earth. This includes pirated copies of Windows and Office, bootleg CD music recording, Kazaa and MP3s, cracks you have downloaded, key-generation tools you have on your hard drive, ideas you claim as your own, articles and assignments you have downloaded from the 'net and submitted, programs you copied from your classmates and other countless things that is related to piracy. Even the usage of mushy quotes when wooing your girl or apologizing to someone is included in that list.

It even holds the inventory of your visits to your local pirated DVD dealers. ARGH.

You see... piracy has becoming an issue too in Heaven and in Hell. With that Heaven is taking necessary steps to prevent it. If you think you can 'get away' with some hobbies you do here on Earth... in Heaven you cannot. And Miss P. Filter is known for two things, her husky voice and her 'zero tolerance' principle.

So if she sees one entry on that database regarding piracy and the fields lPiracyREGRET, lPiracyFORGIVEN and lPiracyCompensated values are still set to .F., then you are in big trouble, poor human.

But she gives chances too. If she sees one field in those lPiracy-related fields set to .T., then she runs an algorithm that computes your lHeavenAccessStatus considering different factors such as oSituation, cReason, nReasonValidity, lSpreadAttitude, nIncome, nBeerIntake and other countless factors she refrains from disclosing as of the moment.

If you still fail, you are then politely requested to be transported back to an undisclosed location through that pond for 45 seconds while the piranha reverts back to its old self in a span of 30 seconds. There's a certain scent about 'pirates' that triggers piranhas to change moods. Miss P. Filter did promise to tell me more about this part of the process and the location by next month.

For now take a moment to reflect on what the piranha can do to you for 30 seconds and we'll discuss the other Heavenly features later.


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